The Tale of Upchuck and PMS :: Chapter One

[Charlie Holden]

When Charlie Holden hit the gym, he usually did it with a group of his buddies. They would warm up, indulge in some smack-talk about their latest ‘escapades’ and then hit the weights before Charlie lost them. He loved exercising; as a kid his physical fitness had been an escape for him from the reality of living in a big family with no money and being good at sport meant he was well-liked and immediately popular. On this occasion, as he started doing his bench presses he soon found himself in the zone. He could feel the familiar tightening of muscles across his chest, the rush of air as he regulated his breathing and the build up of blood pressure in his ears. The loud music in the gym egged him on and he finished his set quickly, laying on the bench for a few extra seconds to let himself ease back before he sat up.

His friends were all over at the cardio machines. With a slight frown, Charlie lifted his black towel to wipe himself down, as though he had been able to work up a sweat yet. He made his way to the free-weights and started making adjustments, finally he picked up a pair and began to do alternating bicep curls, better able to watch the comings and goings in the gym from his position facing the mirrors – and keep his form in check, of course! It wasn’t until he saw a certain red ponytail that his trademark grin split his conventionally good-looking features. Gossamer, he thought to himself. She was a bit of a staple on the force; Charlie and all his friends liked to think of her as their token touch chick with a hankering for justice. Mind you, her cousin Mary-Lou was a token too. Just of a different nature.

Gossamer is definitely hot in her own way though, Charlie conceded as he watched her preparing for her workout, his eyes skimming across the mirror to register his grin with his friends. He hadn’t really had much to do with her seeing as she was Homicide and he was Major Crime; sure he read her name on a few (half decent!) reports and had spoken to her once or twice, but there was no doubt in his mind that he wouldn’t have objected to getting to know her a lot better. For now, he was content to watch and wait.

[Susanna Gossamer]

The gym was a near daily stop for Susanna Gossamer. Not only was she intent on being the best damn cop in Gotham (or at least the best detective), but if she didn't get to the gym regularly her love of red meat and Ben & Jerry's started to catch up to her in her thighs. She could thank her mother for that.

It wasn't a chore for her, though. Like the admirer she had unwittingly procured herself she enjoyed physical activity. She was not the doughnut and coffee police stereotype, no; she was more the hyper-feminist beat up every guy within a ten mile radius on PMS days stereotype. And she was okay with that.

She didn't know whether it was cycle related, but today had definitely been 'one of those day's for Susie. She particularly looked forward to the gym on those sorts of days, where she could let out a bit of pent up frustration on the punching bags provided there (human and not). She quickly groaned internally. Fantastic. Copeland (also known as Gropeland to various ladies within the department) was using the punching bags, and naturally he would be disgusting and chauvinistic while she waited for them. Steeling herself for the experience, she made her way over. He wasted no time getting under her skin.

"Lookin' good Gossamer!"

She tried hard not to sneer. She didn't want her face to get stuck that way over a moron like Gropeland. "I look the same as every day," she responded boredly.

"Which is good," he responded with an exaggerated, leering nod. She thought she was going to be sick. He finally got the hint and moved away from the bag, breathing heavily and looking at her like a prize ham. "You don't want to use the bag, do you? Come on, take your aggression out on a real target." He summoned her with goofy looking gestures at himself. She perked one eyebrow higher.

Two minutes later she pinned Gropeland for the third time, all without ever granting him a feel. She was almost pleased with herself, but it had been all too easy. As she let the pervert up she heard him whine, "Jeez, Susie, it was supposed to be for fun."

Tossing her towel over her shoulder and opening up her bottle of water for a swig, she only shrugged. "I had fun."

[Charlie Holden]

Gossamer and the other girls of the GCPD were not the only ones who hated Copeland. Charlie strongly suspected the guy’s ‘tips’ on various gangland activities were learned through firsthand dealing and largely suspected he was involved in playing lookout for some of the city’s bigger pushers. He narrowed his grey eyes as the big guy called out to Gossamer. Rolling his eyes and shooting a look at his friends that clearly said ‘Here we go, boys’, he continued to pump until the first pin at which point he joined the growing crowd around the pair. It was satisfying, to see the big jerk trying to get one over on the much smaller and much more agile officer. A broad grin split Holden’s face as Copeland was slammed to the mat for the third time, and he joined in the hearty round of applause his friends had instigated.

“So did I,” he laughed to Grear, one of his buddies, as Copeland peeled himself up off the floor. Copeland, who wasn’t usually able to handle the usual stick that was passes like rapid-fire through the department, grunted. And, because he wasn’t able to really take it out on a girl, he lashed out at the nearest person to comment without turning to see exactly who it was he was commenting to. “I’d like to see you do better, asshole,” the big guy shot. Amused and more than a little pissed off, Charlie shrugged to his friends.

“That’s Lieutenant Asshole to you, Copeland.” Freezing, the bigger cop slowly turned to look at his superior.

“I’ll take that bet,” Grear interjected, keen to diffuse the situation and just as keen to see Gossamer beat the shit out of his friend. “You up for it, Susie?” Unsure of whether he should be grateful to Grear or hang him out to dry, Charlie merely looked enquiringly at the female Detective.

[Susanna Gossamer]

There was nothing like a little bone crushing to improve a girl's mood. Or at least, so she thought. The added bonus of having her ego boosted by her fellow officers' applause added to it. When Holden put the bastard in his place it was icing on the cake. She was too busy smirking broadly and trying to contain a laugh to even acknowledge the sudden tension between the two men, but was brought quickly back down to Earth when Grear spoke up. She lifted her eyebrows and when Charlie asked her for dibs on the next round, she shrugged easily. Still, she couldn't help herself.

"Sure thing, Lieutenant," she responded, emphasizing his rank to rub it in Copeland's face. Her smirk solidified. The department could afford few pleasures as satisfying as putting arrogant pricks in their place, and thanks to Lt. Holden she had not only beaten Gropeland but helped embarrass him. She couldn't have asked for a better end to the day, so the least she could do was grant him a rumble. Hell, she might even slip and let him cop a feel.

But not likely.

She retightened the lid on her bottle of water and set it back down on the ground, turning back to her new opponent. There was a moment as he prepared himself that they stood squared off, and she placed her hands on her hips, chest rising steadily from her recent spar. Unlike her last opponent, Charlie was actually pretty fit, and judging by the number of times she had seen him in the gym she assumed he could hold his own on the mat. She wasn't really concerned with beating him - as far as she was concerned, she had won the battle that mattered and would be content to lose a few now - but she didn't want to look like a fool either. When he seemed ready she took her hands off her knees and bent her knees a little in preparation, grinning at her new opponent.

"Take it easy on me, Holden?" she asked coyly. She was kidding, but if he proved stupid enough to fall for that line she would be happy to take advantage of that and be amused by it. But then, she'd be a little disappointed if he turned out to be that stupid. That whole Lieutenant Asshole thing, that had been kinda sexy.

[Charlie Holden]

Charlie grinned at Susie when she emphasised his rank and he craned his neck to see around Grear, watching Copeland mutter as he ‘readjusted’ himself behind the closing force of the other cops where Gossamer wouldn’t be likely to see. More than a little bit amused and hardly worried that he would be made look a fool (and not particularly caring if he did – there were bonuses to that!) he punched Grear lightly in the arm and noticed smugly that his buddy winced. Lining up across from her and dipping his neck to the side to pop it, Charlie allowed himself a singular snort of amused laughter when she asked him to take it easy on her.

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” he teased, his grin betraying his intention to beat her. He wasn’t really the type of guy who would injure a girl’s pride, but then he’d never been the type to throw a competition either. As the pair circled each other, Charlie waited for a moment when she would seem almost distracted. After they had rotated a few times and that moment didn’t seem to be coming, he began to lose his patience. Making the first move, he faked to the left, then the right before veering left and launching himself just to the side of her. One of his arms slipped easily around her waist and he automatically pulled her in tight to his chest. His left foot hooked in front of hers and then behind as he captured her ankle with his toes behind her heel.

The cheering, laughing and helpful advice coming from the onlookers was more encouraging than distracting, and he continued to grin broadly. When Susie’s arms lifted up and she locked her hands roughly behind his neck, however, his smile was hosed off. She leaned forward and he was forced to move with her owing to the wonderful leverage he had unwittingly given her. He hit the mat hard in front of her with his head by her feet. Laughing in disbelief, Charlie licked his lips before his eyebrows lifted and his implacable grin returned for an encore. “If you win,” he cautioned her, “You owe me dinner tonight.”

[Susanna Gossamer]

She grinned back at his indirect compliment of her skill. Flattery will get you everywhere, and where as some women responded to guys going googoo over their tits, Susie's point of pride was less material. She just wanted to know someone believed she could kick some serious ass. The fact that he had a challenge in his eyes when he spoke didn't at all lessen the impact of the compliment; if anything, it made it all the better.

But cute or no, she wasn't going to let him have his win without a fight. He was pretty good, but he just so happened to choose one grip that was taught the world over in women's self defense classes, many of which she had taught herself. She knew as many different ways to get out of that hold as she knew men in the department who at some point or another had called her butch. And that was a lot. So when she reversed it, it came as no surprised to her, and he only seemed surprised for a moment. She had to return his trademark grin. Then he spoke again, and her eyebrows lifted to match his.

A chorus of "ohhhhhs" marked his sudden, very public announcement. Was this a 'you're one of the guys, buy me a beer' kind of dinner, or was this a 'you're one of the girls, and a hot one' kind of dinner? She didn't know about that, but she did know one thing. While she might have been tough and even a little bit tomboyish, she was still a woman and she liked to be treated like one.

"I don't think I like the idea of being your consolation prize, Holden," she told him flatly, reaching down to offer him a hand up. As she held out her hand, she continued. "You want a dinner with me, earn it. If you think you can beat me." She looked skeptical of him, but although there was a chorus of responses to her challenge around them she only had eyes for him.

[Charlie Holden]

Still looking up at her obnoxiously, Charlie chuckled again when she told him he would have to earn her time and company. The boys, obviously enjoying themselves, were laughing like hyenas and were only egged on by Susie’s sass. From his position on his back he waved his hands and the crowd grew quieter. He looked up at Susie, his grey eyes meeting her coffee colored gaze and sparkling with mischief. “Hardly a consolation prize,” he told her with a slight shrugging of his shoulders. “Because if I were to win, I’d owe you dinner, Gossamer. And that’s Lieutenant Holden,” he reminded her with a wink.

He was determined to give as good as he got, and quickly thought of an idea to help him at least keep face even if he was unsuccessful in their impromptu bout. He ignored her hand, reaching above his head and latching onto her ankles before shimmying his body towards her and pulling her towards him in the same instant. His aim was to pull her forward and off her feet, as she obviously had the standing advantage. He normally found that women like Susie were reluctant to lower themselves to his level, but he hoped that in this instance he could persuade her otherwise.

[Susanna Gossamer]

She had to roll her eyes a little at his second reminder about Lieutenant. She didn't hear him calling her Detective Gossamer, which was a good thing because it would get annoying as hell. He might have meant it about preserving his rank - she couldn't tell - but she ignored it for now. If he wanted her to call him by his official capacity every time she said his name he would have to go through Gordon himself, because she was simply not that respectful formal towards anyone.

Suddenly, she was struck by the idea of calling him Lieutenant in a very odd time indeed. So distracted was she by the thought that she was caught off guard by his swipe at her ankles. She inhaled sharply as she felt her feet come out from under her, but her training kicked in and she was able to twist enough to break her fall with her arms to stop any major bruising. Anything goes in this types of things, of course, but if she walked around the rest of the week with a big purple sore spot on her ass she would be very unhappy with Lieutenant Holden. As she landed a little awkwardly she looked back to see where he was so as not to waste any time getting the advantage again.

She moved quickly, rolling to her knees and doing so in a way as she was straddling his abdomen when she righted herself. She quickly reached to apply weight to his biceps as well, to try to keep his body level and unable to use his bigger size against her. She knew that in this particular battle of brawn she was unlikely to win, but perhaps he would present an opportunity to get him in a hold of some kind or even slip away without his being able to get a grip on her. Either were acceptable alternatives to where she found herself now, practically riding a sleeping bull; she couldn't hold him down and she couldn't get away (yet) so she would simply have to ride it out.

In the meantime, she smirked down at him. "Whatever you say, Chuck."

[Charlie Holden]

As far as Charlie was concerned, Gossamer would be entirely welcome to call him Lieutenant – or whatever the hell she wanted – in the situation she was imagining unbeknownst to him. When she hit the mat there was a cheer from his friends which seemed to lull him into a false sense of security, and he wasn’t quick enough to make a pin on her before she got on top of him. His eyebrows raised themselves again as she pushed down hard on his arms to keep him where she wanted him and for the time being he made his struggles against her a lot less enthusiastic than he would have otherwise. Her smirk and quip made him laugh; she sure was something, he had to give her that.

“You should be careful saying things like that to men, Detective,” he warned her with an attempt at a serious expression that failed when he smirked right back at her. In a move that mirrored his first major retaliation against her, he move his arms across the floor and above his head once again. This had the effect of lengthening her posture and moving their bodies closer together as she leaned over him to maintain her grip. “Some of us might take advantage of it.” He grinned, using his legs and back to roll to one side and over on top of the Detective who was proving to be harder to beat than he had actually thought she would. Not that he doubted her ability. He just severely overestimated his own.

“But I’m a sportin’ kinda guy,” he said, still grinning. “So in the spirit of not having my ass handed to me by a girl in order to get a date with her, what do you say? I can pick you up at 8.” And even though he was a little bit obnoxious, more than boyishly chamring and didn't take no for an answer, he hoped that she would say yes. She was different from pretty much all the women he was known for dating, and who knows? Perhaps having the chip knocked off his shoulder and kept off what just the ticket for a guy like Charlie Holden. He certainly seemed to think so!

[Susanna Gossamer]

Charlie Holden was definitely a bad boy type she decided as she listened. Though his words suggested she should keep her guard up towards certain men his tone said to let him in, and from what she knew about him he was exactly the kind of man she should not let her guard down for. And yet as he deliberately brought their bodies closer together she had to admit that he was exactly the kind of guy who was normally capable of snaking through her armor. There was just something irresistable about a bad boy. Damn them.

As predicted, she wasn't quite strong enough to fend off his next attack and she was unceremoniously turned on her back. She caught her breath as she listened to his proposition. It was a valley of him to ask her out in such a public forum, she decided. Or arrogant. either way, she quickly realized she had no reason to turn him down. She was attracted to him, definitely. And he had never come across as a completely chauvinistic pig, which made him more appealing than most of the bad boys she had taken to bed. She had certainly liked many a stupider person.

"Fair enough," she agreed, submitting to his weight and grip temporarily though there was an impish look in her brown eyes, "But your approach could use a little work." She shifted beneath him suddenly, lifting her hips and wrapping her legs around him in a strong grip. In this way she could use her entire weight to throw him off balance, and she twisted her body violently, knocking him off balance and quickly following through by rolling back on top of him. Their positions reversed once more, she laid her forearm across his chest in an attempt to keep him pinned, which had the added bonus of making her next words slightly less audible to the rest of the room.

"Some women like it on top." She winked.

[Charlie Holden]

A raucous “Ooooh!” was sent up by the crowd of watching men – complete with knuckle punches and slaps on the back as Charlie was once again bested by the fiery redheaded Detective. For his part the Lieutenant took it all in his stride as he was tumbled to the mat once again, his head thudding on the padding as her arm slammed across him with speed, precision and (to his delight) more than a little bit of force. As all the world knows, men are very simple creature who love nothing better than to indulge in dirty daydreams and at this particular moment some very interesting thoughts were running through Holden’s imaginative mind. As he took in the devilish quality of her cocoa colored gaze and the sassy wink she offered, Charlie became absolutely one hundred percent convinced that Gossamer was a tomcat in the sack.

Refusing to register his initial surprise at her comment and therefore maintain his level of coolness, Charlie’s answering grin was incredulous and eager. He couldn’t believe her audacity, and as he lay there between her incredibly sculpted thighs he couldn’t help but wonder why it had taken this long for him to notice she was this hot. He looked away from her momentarily, his head turning to the side where his friends were still cheering, laughing and egging the pair on, before he looked back at her. He lifted his head off the mat and dared a pointed glance at her cleavage. Still grinning, he lifted his eyes back to hers and smirked. “No complaints from me!”

[Susanna Gossamer]

Susanna's mother, before she became an ensign of Gotham's most famous loony bin, used to tell her one thing about men that would, she said, solve all her problems with them in the future. 'Give them an inch, they'll take a mile.' At the time the young Susanna had no idea what she meant. Having many several boyfriends since then, she now knew exactly what her mother was talking about. Charlie Holden was a perfect example. He was like God's way of telling her, you see, your mother was right.

Ugh. Susie pulled a disgusted face and pushed Charlie hard back into the mat. Guys were just gross sometimes, and she was always sure to register her lack of enjoyment of a guy who was acting gross. Why, then, did his grossness make her lips curl back a little in a smirk. To reinforce the right message and not the one her traitor smile was giving away, she told him how gross he was being. "You're a pig, Holden," she told him as she swung her leg over him in a pointed retreat. The insult didn't have the venom that it would hold for half his watching friends had she been saying it to them.

Probably because a pig had never been so damn cute before.

[Charlie Holden]

Simply put, Charlie Holden (like most men) just didn’t understand women. For example, here Gossamer was flirting with him for all she was worth and then when he actually gave in to his instincts and took the bait he was labelled a pig for his efforts! This is not to say that he was phased; au contraire he was just as amused as he had been since first witnessing her display with Copeland. However he didn’t understand how a woman could go from sexpot to feminist in 0.02 seconds. Reasoning that it was probably something to do with her ‘time of the month’ and mentally reminding himself that good boys didn’t attempt to round third base on the first date anyway, Charlie opened his mouth as if shocked and hurt by her accusation.

Which of course, he wasn’t.

“Guess that means I win, right?” he asked innocently, sitting up and resting back on his elbows as she got up to her feet. “So I’ll see you at 8.”

[Susanna Gossamer]

If Detective Gossamer had heard what was going on in Charlie's mind she would have rolled her eyes. It was so typical of a man to believe that a woman's mood change was due to some biological reason and not simply because sometimes they were sexy, and sometimes they weren't!

The trick for every woman was to determine whether the man was sexy enough to warrant suffering through the moments where he was, as all men were, bound to be decidedly un-sexy. Given their relationship leading up to this, she thought, probably no. Given their repartee today? Hmmm, maybe so! And what was there to lose, really? After all, she had already proven she could kick his ass if he pissed her off.

"No," she responded as she moseyed to the corner where her bottle of water and towel were waiting. "I won," she corrected as she bent to pick them up. She then turned a quarter of the way and smirked over him at her shoulder as she undid the cap to her water. "And you can still pick me up at 8." She flashed him a brief grin and turned to make her way out of the gym and out from under the scrutinizing looks of the other men in the gym, who she had likely turned down multiple times.

Well, maybe sometimes she was controlled by biological influences.